There's something of a human need in being understood by other people. This is one of the main purposes of verbal communication. But the problem here is that all this shit is subjective.
The word "love". I say "I love you" and you return the sentiment, but how do I know that you mean the same thing I do? How do you know what I meant to begin with? Having an idea about these concepts means that you've dealt with them in some capacity, but you are the only one who identifies them for yourself. Does that make sense?
So here we are, trying to find understanding in those around us, filled with the need to reach out and touch these people, and communicate ideas, but so often we talk and our words fall dead to the ground, because words can only have the meanings we give them. The ideas we try to communicate don't express themselves as words in our minds, though there are words we attach to them, to try to make them relatable. And sometimes it works. We have Democracy. We have Law, and Philosophy.
Fuck. This isn't what I meant to say.
The last time I asked someone if she understood me, the last time I needed to know, she said "i do try. i love you, charlie."
But I know she didn't. And I know she doesn't. And I know why.
Fuck me.
How can we be known? How can I express myself? Why do I feel like I'm fucking insane?
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Monday, February 11, 2008
Pay Attention
It occurs to me that the chances that I'm going to end up taking my own life are fairly significant. Let's say 90%. Which is what compels me to write about it. A few things should be made clear.
The first is that I am not depressed. Not presently, at least, which isn't to say that I won't be tomorrow, or even in a couple of hours. And this is important, because anyone affected by this death needs to understand that I will not be embarking on his course of action because I feel I have no hope, because I am desperate, or for any of those reasons. Rather, suicide is the only manner we have at our disposal for deciding exactly when we are done with our personal narrative. It's the only method we have for closing the book ourselves.
Following that thought, second: This is not something that will be happening for quite some time. We're talking several decades from now. Indeed, this is something that I'll be sitting down with friends and family to discuss, because it's a big deal. This is not malicious or anything like that, I simply feel the need to own the terms of my life, and by the same token, my death. And discussing it with those close to me will provide the opportunity for goodbyes and closure to be reached before I pass on.
This is not something I take lightly. Though I must confess, I anticipate my eventual return to non-being, it's not something I'm ready to go for just yet. And of course, there's a certain romantic appeal to it. But that's largely because I live in the spaces between pop songs and indie films.
I'm pretty sure I'm the only person I know who muses on suicide more when he's happy than when he's depressed.
The first is that I am not depressed. Not presently, at least, which isn't to say that I won't be tomorrow, or even in a couple of hours. And this is important, because anyone affected by this death needs to understand that I will not be embarking on his course of action because I feel I have no hope, because I am desperate, or for any of those reasons. Rather, suicide is the only manner we have at our disposal for deciding exactly when we are done with our personal narrative. It's the only method we have for closing the book ourselves.
Following that thought, second: This is not something that will be happening for quite some time. We're talking several decades from now. Indeed, this is something that I'll be sitting down with friends and family to discuss, because it's a big deal. This is not malicious or anything like that, I simply feel the need to own the terms of my life, and by the same token, my death. And discussing it with those close to me will provide the opportunity for goodbyes and closure to be reached before I pass on.
This is not something I take lightly. Though I must confess, I anticipate my eventual return to non-being, it's not something I'm ready to go for just yet. And of course, there's a certain romantic appeal to it. But that's largely because I live in the spaces between pop songs and indie films.
I'm pretty sure I'm the only person I know who muses on suicide more when he's happy than when he's depressed.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Music Blog
If you want to know the top 10 albums of 2007 (in my, always humble, opinion), you'll have to go to the music blog I'm trying to get going with a buddy of mine. You can find it here: http://edisonswaxcylinder.blogspot.com/
/shameless plug
/shameless plug
11-15
We're moving right along here. Please keep in mind, I compiled this list in two weeks after listening to every album from the year I could get my hands on. A massive undertaking, particularly when all of your audio devices stop fucking working. But it's done. And being written about. Right here.
15. Beirut - The Flying Cup Club
Beirut's sophomore release shows songwriter Zach Condon continue his love affair with European folk/gypsy stylings. This album has the benefit of being more consistent then Gulag Orkastar, and indeed, The Flying Cup Club is the only album this year that sounds like it was recorded in a French bordello circa 1905. Condon's thick vocals as he sings of innocence and prostitutes sounds like Stephen Merrit at his most laconic, and his blending of pop with the aforementioned European folk/gypsy musical influences makes for a solid, engaging listening at every turn.
14. Minus the Bear - Planet of Ice
I'm not going to lie; I was a little disappointed when I picked up this album in August. Menos el Oso was a masterpiece. They'd shed some (but not all) of their quirkiness and humor for maturity, and it showed. Apparently unhappy with only being partly mature, they complete their transformation with this album, turning in dark moods and textures throughout (the threatening swirl and pound of "Dr. L'Ling"), trading in the much of the bounce of their previous records. However, the lyrical obsessions with drinking and sex are still prevalent, though "Lotus" is a stab at organized religion, and once it's had a chance to digest, the textures move, glacier-like (Planet of Ice... get it?), through the album, carrying the songs into constantly rewarding sonic palettes.
13. The Polyphonic Spree - The Fragile Army
Oh, The Polyphonic Spree. There aren't many bands about whom you can use the phrase "choral pop-rock", but thankfully, The Polyphonic Spree are right there. On The Fragile Army, the Spree delve into material darker than anything they've done before, though that's not to say that the sun isn't lurking behind every dark cloud they produce. It's impeccably arranged and produced, and it's simply impossible to feel bad while you're listening to it.
12. Queens of the Stone Age - Era Vulgaris
Apparently Josh Homme has nothing to do in his spare time but write the sickest, dirtiest, grungiest riffs you've ever heard. Album opener "Turnin' On the Screw" stomps onto your speakers, kicks you in the face, and drags you along while Homme's lazy singing tricks you into thinking everything's okay. Which is a mistake, because the next song ("Sick, Sick, Sick") pounds you in the face with guitar and lyrics like "With a lick on the lips/And my hands on your hips". And this is just the first two songs. This album is an assault, and the abuse will have you listening over and over.
11. Stars - In Our Bedroom After the War
Stars reveal a full-blown obsession with theatricality on their fourth album that was only hinted at previously. The album's closer is the stellar title track, which unfolds and grows like the closing number in a musical, and singer Torquil Campbell's goofy falsetto in "Ghost of Genova Heights" betrays the ham in him. But the best moments on the album invariably come when Campbell is joined by singer Amy Millan. Their voices complement each other with a pure charisma so rarely found in pop music. The amount of craft present here, and the beauty pouring out of the songs is a real treat.
15. Beirut - The Flying Cup Club
Beirut's sophomore release shows songwriter Zach Condon continue his love affair with European folk/gypsy stylings. This album has the benefit of being more consistent then Gulag Orkastar, and indeed, The Flying Cup Club is the only album this year that sounds like it was recorded in a French bordello circa 1905. Condon's thick vocals as he sings of innocence and prostitutes sounds like Stephen Merrit at his most laconic, and his blending of pop with the aforementioned European folk/gypsy musical influences makes for a solid, engaging listening at every turn.
14. Minus the Bear - Planet of Ice
I'm not going to lie; I was a little disappointed when I picked up this album in August. Menos el Oso was a masterpiece. They'd shed some (but not all) of their quirkiness and humor for maturity, and it showed. Apparently unhappy with only being partly mature, they complete their transformation with this album, turning in dark moods and textures throughout (the threatening swirl and pound of "Dr. L'Ling"), trading in the much of the bounce of their previous records. However, the lyrical obsessions with drinking and sex are still prevalent, though "Lotus" is a stab at organized religion, and once it's had a chance to digest, the textures move, glacier-like (Planet of Ice... get it?), through the album, carrying the songs into constantly rewarding sonic palettes.
13. The Polyphonic Spree - The Fragile Army
Oh, The Polyphonic Spree. There aren't many bands about whom you can use the phrase "choral pop-rock", but thankfully, The Polyphonic Spree are right there. On The Fragile Army, the Spree delve into material darker than anything they've done before, though that's not to say that the sun isn't lurking behind every dark cloud they produce. It's impeccably arranged and produced, and it's simply impossible to feel bad while you're listening to it.
12. Queens of the Stone Age - Era Vulgaris
Apparently Josh Homme has nothing to do in his spare time but write the sickest, dirtiest, grungiest riffs you've ever heard. Album opener "Turnin' On the Screw" stomps onto your speakers, kicks you in the face, and drags you along while Homme's lazy singing tricks you into thinking everything's okay. Which is a mistake, because the next song ("Sick, Sick, Sick") pounds you in the face with guitar and lyrics like "With a lick on the lips/And my hands on your hips". And this is just the first two songs. This album is an assault, and the abuse will have you listening over and over.
11. Stars - In Our Bedroom After the War
Stars reveal a full-blown obsession with theatricality on their fourth album that was only hinted at previously. The album's closer is the stellar title track, which unfolds and grows like the closing number in a musical, and singer Torquil Campbell's goofy falsetto in "Ghost of Genova Heights" betrays the ham in him. But the best moments on the album invariably come when Campbell is joined by singer Amy Millan. Their voices complement each other with a pure charisma so rarely found in pop music. The amount of craft present here, and the beauty pouring out of the songs is a real treat.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
16-20
Okay, so it's a bit late. At least it's still January. Shut up.
20. Bright Eyes - Cassadaga
As Conor Oberst continues to mature, so does his songwriting. His last outings, the superb I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning and slightly less stellar Digital Ash in a Digital Urn, allowed him to stretch out within his two genre obsessions. The recombining of these elements (okay, mostly the folkier elements of the sound) on Cassadaga is always organic and constantly engaging. Oberst's lyrics have only gotten better as well. His knack for narrative is only surpassed by his ability to describe life with a passion and a clarity that could almost (almost) be described as Dylanesque. The only major pitfall on this album is Oberst's obsession with creating one virtually unlistenable song on every album he produces, and this one is no different ("Clairaudients (Kill or Be Killed)" is pretty much just crap). That aside, Cassadaga is an excellent album, easily recommended to almost anyone.
19. Arctic Monkeys - Favourite Worst Nightmare
Not wasting time, the Arctic Monkeys sophomore album hit stores barely a year after they became a household name in the States (well, not a household name... nobody in my family knows who they are). Breaking out of the mold and embracing a few more influences (see: Mogwai), they've created an album that pretty much stands up right next to their first. Which isn't a bad thing, because Whatever People Say I Am... is an excellent Brit-punk album. Whether they're playing with surf rock or do wop ("Baby, I'm Yours", it's a B-side), the Monkeys know how to rock and every track is more than willing to point that out.
18. Kings of Leon - Because of the Times
Because everyone needs a little southern rock in their life. Because "Fans" chugs along so smoothly, you'll find yourself moving in your seat. Because "Camero" feels like you're taking a drive. Because it's an excellently crafted, balls-to-the-wall kind of album. Yeah.
17. Motion City Soundtrack
Motion City Soundtrack's third album firmly places them head and shoulders above their pop-punk/emo brethren. They trade in the kinks and habits that held them back (see: "The Red Dress", "Hangman") for borrowing from a couple of different people (the Ben Folds-inspired ballad "The Conversation") to turn in addictive pop song after pop song. It's a little formulaic, and not the most imaginative album you'll ever hear, but it is polished to a shine and catchy as hell, and that definitely counts for something.
16. Animal Collective - Strawberry Jam
The ridiculous amount of joy being squeezed out of every note and instrument on this album would make you queasy, if it weren't so meticulously orchestrated and undercut every so often by dark tones and threatening textures. Animal Collective is always challenging, and this album is no exception, but Strawberry Jam also feels like their most accessible work to date. From the Beach Boy harmonies of the opening "Peacebone" to the building, chugging "Fireworks" (an album highlight), there is an overwhelming joy pouring out through their music. Seriously, this is what pop music will sound like in the future, when we drive in flying cars and take all our food in pill form.
20. Bright Eyes - Cassadaga
As Conor Oberst continues to mature, so does his songwriting. His last outings, the superb I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning and slightly less stellar Digital Ash in a Digital Urn, allowed him to stretch out within his two genre obsessions. The recombining of these elements (okay, mostly the folkier elements of the sound) on Cassadaga is always organic and constantly engaging. Oberst's lyrics have only gotten better as well. His knack for narrative is only surpassed by his ability to describe life with a passion and a clarity that could almost (almost) be described as Dylanesque. The only major pitfall on this album is Oberst's obsession with creating one virtually unlistenable song on every album he produces, and this one is no different ("Clairaudients (Kill or Be Killed)" is pretty much just crap). That aside, Cassadaga is an excellent album, easily recommended to almost anyone.
19. Arctic Monkeys - Favourite Worst Nightmare
Not wasting time, the Arctic Monkeys sophomore album hit stores barely a year after they became a household name in the States (well, not a household name... nobody in my family knows who they are). Breaking out of the mold and embracing a few more influences (see: Mogwai), they've created an album that pretty much stands up right next to their first. Which isn't a bad thing, because Whatever People Say I Am... is an excellent Brit-punk album. Whether they're playing with surf rock or do wop ("Baby, I'm Yours", it's a B-side), the Monkeys know how to rock and every track is more than willing to point that out.
18. Kings of Leon - Because of the Times
Because everyone needs a little southern rock in their life. Because "Fans" chugs along so smoothly, you'll find yourself moving in your seat. Because "Camero" feels like you're taking a drive. Because it's an excellently crafted, balls-to-the-wall kind of album. Yeah.
17. Motion City Soundtrack
Motion City Soundtrack's third album firmly places them head and shoulders above their pop-punk/emo brethren. They trade in the kinks and habits that held them back (see: "The Red Dress", "Hangman") for borrowing from a couple of different people (the Ben Folds-inspired ballad "The Conversation") to turn in addictive pop song after pop song. It's a little formulaic, and not the most imaginative album you'll ever hear, but it is polished to a shine and catchy as hell, and that definitely counts for something.
16. Animal Collective - Strawberry Jam
The ridiculous amount of joy being squeezed out of every note and instrument on this album would make you queasy, if it weren't so meticulously orchestrated and undercut every so often by dark tones and threatening textures. Animal Collective is always challenging, and this album is no exception, but Strawberry Jam also feels like their most accessible work to date. From the Beach Boy harmonies of the opening "Peacebone" to the building, chugging "Fireworks" (an album highlight), there is an overwhelming joy pouring out through their music. Seriously, this is what pop music will sound like in the future, when we drive in flying cars and take all our food in pill form.
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