I Am Not A Role Model

Posting now could be called questionable, at least. But alas. I am up, and I am on acid.

I think I've just had the best romantic relationship I've ever had. Just now. Though it seems highly likely I'll look at this as sophomoric, it was honest and it was perfect, and that's why it couldn't possibly work. It lasted five minutes, which was exactly as long as it could have lasted.

I want to spill so much of this in so specific, meaningless detail. But unless I find the right details, I'll never remember it perfectly. You know?

Okay, okay. So, I've spent the last couple of day on acid. Pretty much continuously. It's been quite a trip. Halloween weekend here on campus, so... I apparently felt the need to take it up a notch. So I did two hits of LSD last night, at about 1 AM. How do you describe where acid takes you? I feel like I've lived and died a million times between when I dropped the first hits and now. That's keeping in mind, I did four more tonight, around 12 AM. I feel like I've found and lost a million loves I'll never experience, and I don't think I'll ever dream again without wondering if there are somehow echoes of reality seeping into my subconscious states. That's where acid takes you. Well, buckle up cowboy.

I did the first load with Frank, Kelly (I have no idea if this is how she spells her name), and Sara. We watched Waking Life for a while, before we decided to go outside. Sara was trying to sleep. And we decided that that was a bad idea, because it was. So we woke her, and she was very angry. So we left her for a little bit, under her assurances she'd be okay. We went down for Kelly and Frank to smoke. We decided to start walking, as I'd packed a bowl already, as I am wont to do.

I can't explain the billions of tiny changes my life had already made by this point. It was amazing. I feel like I've had this life changing experience, and I feel like that every time I do psychedelics, but that's what the meaning is. It's to make the meaning for yourself. But that's just one of the ways that things had undergone a shift. I can't describe the experience in language.

Before getting too far, however, we decided to go back and make Sara get up. It was only for the best.

I've lied to you. I didn't have a bowl packed already. That was the other reason we went back. Not just for Sara, but for Mary Jane. Yeah. I went there.

I would love to date a chick named Mary Jane. But only until I realized the creepy Oedipal issues, cause my sister's name is Mary and my mother's name is Jane. But then I think, naw, a redheaded MJ. Like Spider-Man. Like how there's that episode of Seinfeld where Seinfeld dates a girl named Lois, which is cool cause he loves Superman? Like that. But with more drugs. Not as straightedge as Marvel tends to be (not all, tends to).

Anyway. So we got my pot and Sara. And then we went for a voyage of walking around the everywhere! It was a serious epic of mammoth proportions, I am not shitting you. The world was rent apart and devoured. But... it wasn't. I mean. I know it wasn't. It didn't look to my eyes like there was. But reality was adjusting itself. That was clear.

We went for a walk. I really don't remember where we went... I'm not sure it really matters. There were stopping places, and moving places, and all that.

This is so difficult to describe. Looking back on the experience, I was at a rave in New York, I was a world away in an opium den in China, I was in another dimension composed only of lines and color, but with no meaning. And there I was, on the street. With my friends. And I can't describe what happened in those places, because nothing happened. But it was everything in the world, flying through my mind.

We walked to the lake and fountain near the Baker Center. I remember that. I remember looking out over the beauty and grandeur of that disgusting water. We stood at the balcony and stared out into the night, out into the light of the fountain, illuminating the world. We staggered about the area, lost in ourselves. I packed a bowl. I think.

After a while, and a few cars driving by, we decided to leave, and we proceeded to wander about, as previously described.

The world shattered into a billion realities, shifting and falling around each other. But none of them were correct.

I think, after walking around for what might have been several eternities, we found our way back to South Green. I think we went out to the bike path at this point, and hung out, and watched the grass and the clouds and the moon swirl around us in what could have been a cacophonous symphony of celestial bodies and earthly upheaval. Frank and Kelly smoked a couple of cigarettes while I lit my bowl and watched the moon watch me with his baleful eyes.

Sara and I shared the bowl, mostly. Frank hit it once or twice, and Kelly practically hurled after hitting it once. Which is understandable. I constantly feel like I'm on the point of gagging once LSD kicks in. I never feel sick per se, but I'm always just on the edge of hacking up. The moon was a single eye, watching our every move. But benevolent. Not cruel.

Sometime after this, we went back inside. The warmth and the comfortable confine of solid walls around us was a good idea, a good way to regain grounding. I know we went in and watched something on my 360. It was... Robot Chicken! And that was hilarious. Really fucking surreal... but that's Robot Chicken.

At probably six in the morning, Sara and Kelly decided that it was sleeping time, leaving Frank and I to do... whatever. And so we went a-walking. And smoking. I mean, everybody is asleep at 6 AM on a Saturday, even on Halloween. The only people up are the people who have to work and the hardcore drug users from the night before. So Frank and I walked in the dark. We walked uptown, and stopped at BP around ten til seven because Frank needed cigarettes, having smoked an entire pack (with Kelly's help) in about four hours. So, because there was a minimum five dollar expenditure required to use plastic, Frank bought cigarettes... and M&Ms. At ten to seven on a Saturday. On Halloween weekend. I'm pretty sure people had a good idea what was up.

We walked more. We talked. It was good.

We walked to the stairway that's cut into the hill that separates East Green from College Green. I don't know what it's called. But it's a beautiful vantage point to watch the sunrise. We talked about philosophy, we talked about love, we talked about life. We talked about living. We verbally expounded on everything, vomiting insecurities and truths, comfortable and not.