Pancakes for one

This is something new.

I'm so tired. I'm so exhausted. I'm just so fucking dead. Yet before I've begun caffinating this evening, I'm full of manic energy, the desire to run, jump, scream. I feel dead, utterly dead. And so totally alive.

Really, I should smoke less pot. That's likely the cause of it. Or at least, if I could make myself function the day after smoking. But I am getting my stuff done, on the whole. I just need to be awake for more of the day.

Ugh.

Good news, though! I should be getting my computer back tomorrow. And that will be excellent. Because I misplaced my iPod the other day, and that is a terrible thing to have happened. I'm going to have to get a new one, cause I'm slowly losing my mind without the constant music playing directly into my head.

Soul searching is weird. I want to point out that I'm not nearly as conceited as most of what I'm about to say sounds, it's simply true of me. First, and let's be very clear here, I fucking rock. I'm thoroughly pleased with who I am these days. I'm happy with what I think about thing and the way I feel about things. Which seems like an odd thing to say, because I don't think many people think about the thinks they like, why they like them, and how satisfied they are with their reasoning. And I've taken it a couple of steps farther. I'm constantly deconstructing things. Which is why I never let anything go. I have to know what it means. I feel driven to be able to put everything I see together in the ginormous puzzle of life. I want to assemble people's logic and reasoning like factoring quadratic equations.

I obsess over tiny insignificances because they're all I can control in my life. My iPod is missing, and I can't do anything more than tell the RA. I can, however, dwell constantly on whether or not someone is exactly where they said they'd be at any given time. I can control whether the lights are on in my hallway. I can control many, many tiny, insignificant things that add up to a modicum of sanity.

Wow. That's more than you needed to know.

You know what I was thinking about earlier? I saw this couple, and the dude was talking about how there's a lot of strategy in Clue. More, even, than Monopoly.

I love that stage of a relationship, and I'm so full of bizarre opinions at this point, I'm really looking forward to telling someone about my insane ideas and having her (...or him, I suppose) try to keep up with the absurdity that I spout. And then to switch. I suppose the ideal would be to find someone who builds on the themes and ideas I present. Someone who I can debate over who is more mediocre: Fall Out Boy or U2? Or whatever else. I'm not a dancing monkey, people. I can't just turn on the hilarity. Alright? Glad we're clear on that.

But no. I want to be cute and adorable for the things I say (and how scrambled they tend to be), I want to be admired for the things I do (and believe) and I want to feel that same way for whoever I'm with. I want to adore the next girl I'm with. I want to be enraptured by her, and I want to make her smile just by being around.

Suddenly, I realize that it may seem like I'm really all about having someone. That's not really true. I'm not really looking right now (to be fair, it would be awesome to date Poppy. I'd be very much in favor of that turn of events). I'm just kind of floating on, under the assumption that if I meet someone and we're interested in each other, we'll make that shit happen. But pursuit is dumb, largely.

But I do like being with someone. And I like all the things that come with it. And so I'll probably keep writing about it.